the wall.

Yesterday I hit a wall. I didn't see it, but I hit it anyway. Sometimes I can see the wall coming.

My days have been filled to the brim lately. No down time. Or not enough, maybe.

For the past three weeks every minute was claimed by work or packing or unpacking or cleaning or something. There was always something. Never was there a night when I thought, "ok, I'm done." I thought instead, "ok, tomorrow." Everybody goes through these periods. And I think we all hit a few of these each year. Yesterday, this one kicked me in the butt.

I had just gotten home from the pediatrician. I was one month late for Andrew's two year check up. He is checked up, healthy and still in the 90th percentile. The doctor said that 90th percentile for height at this age, means he will probably be over 6 feet tall. Chuck, watch out.

So, anyway, when I got home, the plan was, nap for Andrew, work for me. I sat down with a large glass of lots-of-caffeine iced tea, after downing a lots-of-caffeine iced coffee, and almost feel asleep at the computer. I couldn't work. I couldn't do anything. I tried reading. Nope. Email? nope. Sleeping? nope. I ended up on my bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking. Thinking through things. Nothing huge. Silly things. Like about the purple lunch box I had in the sixth grade. I was craving idleness.

It was a funny feeling. I felt guilty for not working. Lazy. It was odd that in order to work, I had to first be idle.

So, today, I baked. 84 cookies and 6 loaves of bread. I might have over done it. But baking is something I can do with Andrew, be productive, but my mind can flirt in idleness. I bake so much that often I go into auto-pilot and that 'frees my mind' to wander. And think about the kids in my high school that never wore jeans.

I realize I might have cheated. Baking does not technically equal idleness, but it is good for me in the same way staring at my ceiling is.

This afternoon I think I will check out that ceiling a bit more. You know, so I can get work done.
weird.