Friday, January 4, 2008
I am an introvert. I used to be embarrassed about it. I thought introvert just meant 'awkward around people'. But it doesn't mean that at all. Being an introvert means I am quiet in New Groups. I don't have a million friends, but the friends I have are close and are not going anywhere. I need time alone to reenergize. I am way better with new folks in little groups (like 2 or 1 on 1) than a big group. I think it might also be a reason why this city can overwhelm me so much. New York is one really big group.
So, sometimes this introvert bit can be a little inhibiting. One of my New Year's think-about-it's is to arrange for Andrew to have more social interaction. So much of our time is him and me doing what we do. He is a phenomenal independent player, but not so much a teammate. Sharing? Who needs that?
Now, Andrew doesn't complain about our quiet days. And I am quite satisfied except for this niggling feeling of guilt. And I find niggling feelings of guilt hard to ignore. So I made the goal and am taking action and am having an unusually hard time with the whole thing.
We have a found a playgroup that meets in a church a few blocks away. It would be 2 hours a week for about $200 for 10 weeks. We have heard good things about this group: lots of toys, snack time, music time, etc. But. First of all, the idea of paying so much money so that Andrew and I can make friends does not sit right with me. It makes me feel a little pathetic. I can't shake this idea that it is a sign that no one will play with us unless we pay them. See, pathetic?
And, actually, the harder pill to swallow is facing another New Group. Of donning the role of the quiet mother. Of looking around at all the new moms (who, when my imagination is really acting up, all are best friends unwelcoming to the intruder), not knowing what to say that would be appropriate for all of these people and so not saying anything. And therefore being mislabeled 'nice'. All for a mere $200.
My other New Year's things are coming along well. I knew this would be the hard one. And so far it is. But, maybe, just maybe, good things will come of it. That's why we are trying this out in the first place...with that hope in mind.
And maybe this niggling feeling of guilt will settle down.