Thursday, April 26, 2007

You know what I love?



Forgiveness. I love it.

I have always been one that dishes it out quite readily. I'm sure I must have held grudges at some point, but I totally love forgiving. For me it's really no sweat.

There's a catch though. There usually is.

See...my greatest flaw...and this is between you and me...is wanting to be *perfect*. It is sorta my MO. So, like all MO's there is the good to that...and the ugly. The good, is that I forgive. I mean, you can't be perfect and hold a grudge. It's not something I struggle to do, it just happens. But the flip side, where I fall short...is accepting forgiveness. See, accepting forgiveness only happens when you mess up... and I never want to mess up.

I was realizing this this week when my friend Q was here. You hang out with someone long enough, in tight quarters, you are bound to see some of their yuck. And she did. Two things in particular I am thinking of:
1) my son, bopped her son on the head twice (once with a phone, once with a kitchen gadget). Twice.
2) I had a minor meltdown on Tuesday which manifested itself as a half hour of frantic cleaning. Not an obvious offense, I understand. But, if you consider that it probably made her feel really uncomfortable (and can you blame her?) and that it was evidence that I was putting my Need for Clean over being present to my friend, you can see the deeper issue.

Number 2 I find sort of ironic. I mean, wanting to perfect (by having a clean house) was proof that I was not (because I was such a nut about it).

So the lesson? Well, there are the minor ones...you know like, teach your kid to be kind and not hurt people (I'll get around to that at some point...) and chill out about the bathroom floor. Q doesn't care anyway. But the Real Lesson is about forgiveness. That's what I'm struck by.

We never had a "Q, do you forgive me?" "Yes I do." conversation. That was also cool. It wasn't really needed. Not that that is always the case, but we are in a place where the error-forgiveness cycle is part assumed. We have our times when we need to hash it out, but not with this stuff. She knew I don't want my son to hit. She saw me (try to) handle it. And, although I am not sure about this, she might know about my Need for Clean and overlook my obsession about it.

So, right now I am thinking, maybe it is just as good to be forgiven as to forgive.

I could really get into this...

3 comments:

Tara Whalen said...

You like those clear letters, don't you?

One time Brandon, my friend Angel's son, locked Dillon in a bathroom with the light off. That was bad, but we forgave. Don't worry about an almost 2 year old hitting a little.

Hopefully he doesn't unleash his teeth.


And the cleaning...blame mom. Every good psychiatrist would say the same. =)

Robyn said...

Yeah...you might be on to something...

She would be so proud..

Susan said...

:)