Wednesday, May 16, 2007


We got our car back yesterday. Good as new... I think.
and then the New York Car Owners Guide to Thinking kicked in.

As I was walking Andrew to the park yesterday there were bright pink signs all up and down the block about street paving. All cars had to be off our block tomorrow. First I thought: Good, our car is already nicely parked on another nearby street, I won't need to move it. and then, Bad: I wanted to send Dave to the produce stand (that we drive to) to get the rest of our groceries. It would be silly to move the car now, lose our spot and spend hours circling looking for parking. So many will be circling for hours tonight since there are less spots overall because of this paving. and then I thought Good: there are plenty of grocery stores nearby we can walk to to get a few things to tie us over until we can move the car and repark it more easily.


So much tension in the living in New York. Convenient in some respects, but not in others. I guess it all balances out.

This is definitely a Season of Reflection for me. I go through these. And often get very impatient with them. I so badly want to flip the "Do you like New York?" switch to "yes!" and just leave it there. But, I have not been able to find that switch. It is so annoying. I want to love it here, and be done with it. Enough of this struggling. Enough with the challenge. Accept.

But, as much as I want to decide I like it here, I can't. Well, it's not as simple as that. There are things that I love here. LOVE. Coney Island, Chinatown, the Brooklyn Bridge, the wierd guy on the corner that sits in his chair and talks to Andrew every time we walk by him. There is a lot to love here.

But it is not home.
and I want to go home.

Lately, I have been thinking how good New York has been for me. I have been thinking about how cities have their own culture. How, if we were living in San Fransisco, or D.C., or Denver that it would have been completely different. Each of those cities have such a distinct culture. Living in them you would learn different things. I know this sounds obvious and simple, but I have been mulling over this and it has been bringing me so much comfort.

The truth is, I feel so out of place. And often I think, well, that's because you are such a wierdo. And, although, I am fully aware that I am a wierdo, and embrace that...I don't think it is just that. I think the whole New York-Robyn combo is a funny one. It's not a bad combination. I have learned so much here. I think I am a better person because of New York. But, it is a hard combination. Most of the learning that has occured, has been of the Learning-Through-Trial type of learning. Which, after my various walks in Learning-Through-Trial, I have never looked back to regret it. I never wish that it didn't happen. But, when you are in the midst of it, it stinks. Anyway, where I have been finding comfort, is that it is not just me. It is not me being difficult or spoiled or attention-seeking. New York itself plays a role in this too. It is a hard place to live. It is a combination of Robyn/New York factors that's causing the problem. It's not totally my fault.

So now what? Where do I go with this?

I'm not sure. I'll just keep baking and crafting and blogging and loving my family and get what I can from living here.

and some day, either: We'll move.


I'll find the switch, flip it to "I love New York!"
and call this city home.

1 comment:

Susan said...

I know what you mean, even though I love where I live now (not home) and do not like my hometown, even though it does feel like "home". And isn't it funny--say you live in New York the rest of your life and Andrew thinks of it as home because it is and because you've done such an awesome job making it home for him. Then what if the career he wants means he has to work in Boston his whole life. He'll always want to get back home . . .