Friday, September 14, 2007


I just read a blog post about juggling. About when facing your responsibilities remember that you are juggling glass balls and rubber balls. You cannot let the glass balls fall. Keep them in the air.

According to that analogy, I am a failure.

My glass balls came crashing down yesterday. It was loud. It was ugly.

I was overwhelmed with getting my work done. And Andrew desperately wanted my attention. Usually we are good at working on our own projects for chunks of time every morning. But yesterday, he needed me. I don't really know why. It doesn't really matter why. He just did. And I had so little to give.

I needed to work. I needed to get the work done. And I couldn't. I was picturing eviction. Being thrown out onto the street if I couldn't get this work done. I now realize that that would not have happened. I should not have been that worried. But stress had taken such a hold, logic seemed ridiculous. I ended up in the bathroom, crying, as Andrew knocked on the door. "mommy? mommy?" I felt like a complete failure. I failed at finishing work. I failed at being present to my son. The thing that normally brought me balance and actually made me a happier, healthier mom, was now making me cry in my bathroom.

I let Andrew in and he got right in my face. He put on his silliest performance. He did all kinds of crazy faces and belly laughs to cheer me up. He was the glass ball that should have shattered. He should have been mad at me. But he was on my side, pulling me out of the sads.

I didn't go back and work that day. I emailed my boss asking for more time, worried about the consequences for asking. During naptime, I started this halloween costume, and began feeling better. I began forgiving myself. Thinking how I could balance things differently. When Andrew woke up we decorated for Dave's birthday and ran out for cake and gifts (yup. I bought a cake.).

So, when I read that analogy this morning it made me mad. Some of balls you juggle do need more care. They do need more time. They are more important. But they are not glass. There is another day. Another chance to make it better.

And today we did.


Tara Whalen said...

There must have been a full moon yesterday! All children of the world were needy, difficult, wiggley, or just attention getters.

Glad you made it through the day. Hope Dave had a good day.
Wishing for a better today!

Goes On Runs said...

it is amazing and humbling how resilient our children can be.... it is amazing and humbling how tender & fragile our children can be. it is a comfort to me that i am not the author of his heart..... but it takes great measures of faith and prayer to hold that little life loosely. on that i fail, daily. thanks for the was yummy.

Loralee said...

Funny, you just left me a message saying how Andrew had grown up enough that his baby empathy had been pushed aside by independence. It sounds like he still doesn't want to see you sad.

I'm still trying to learn how to let things go and to know when I need to--it isn't easy. I hope today wasn't as stressful and that you guys had fun with your cake and party-making.