Monday, November 19, 2007
I can't seem to remember that I am pregnant. I have heard of this happening, but it is really surreal. I don't like it.
When I was pregnant with Andrew it was all I thought about. I could have been in the middle of a busy classroom of 5 year olds all needing my attention and I still knew. It was always there. But, this time it is different.
I definitely had times when my first pregnancy seemed more real than other times. And I had times when the pregnancy seemed separate from the baby himself. I had a clarifying moment when I did the first load of Andrew's laundry, before he was born. Preparing the clothes. I realized that I would be washing them again. But after they were worn. He was really coming.
This time I am asking Dave all the time: Am I really pregnant? Are we really going to have another one?
And although his words and my little belly and my swinging emotions assure me we are, I still don't get it. I worry that I won't be enough for two. I wonder how I could love two. Will I be able to love the second like I love Andrew? What if I can love the second like I love Andrew, but then can't love Andrew that much anymore? Who will get shafted?
And when logic creeps in, it provides comfort. When Andrew was born I was awash with love for him. Out of nowhere. There it came. Watch out. It will happen again. And I see my friends with two kids and they love them both tremendously. I can do it too.
But I have moments when I worry and wonder how it will all shake out.
Posted by Dave at 2:16 PM