Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I go back forth throughout the day, even throughout the hour as to whether or not I am ready for Sprout to come. Sometimes the two feelings hang out at the same time, which is very confusing. ready and not ready too.
With Andrew I was ready. I wasn't sick of pregnancy at this point (I am 37 weeks right now). I could go on for another few weeks. But if he wanted to come a little early that would be okay. I think that the difference is that I was a lot more confident as a new mom than I am this second time around.
I could not wait to show off what a good mom I would be. I, of course, would do everything right. My baby would never taste formula, would sleep through the night at 3 months, would wear cloth diapers and I, the perfect mom would carry my perfect baby in a sling. No strollers for us. When the time was right I would make all of his baby food and he would be potty trained early. I would show all the other moms what mothering should look like.
And then he was born.
And for all my good intentions and well researched reading and desire to do it all right, I was still fraught with insecurities. I was still an easy target for mommy-guilt. I would still be amazed at how much I didn't know. I would call my mom or my friends or my sister or sister-in-law and say things like, "Let's talk about crying. Why is Andrew crying so much?" "Let's talk about gas. Is that a myth or could that be why he is crying?" When I went to visit my brother's family, my sister-in-law had to re-install the car seat because this city mom didn't do it right. She had to show me how to strap him in right. I was so embarrassed.
So now as I consider the looming, enormous change about to happen I often say things like "What were we thinking?" and "Are we sure about this?" and sometimes just "noooo!!!" And I'm giving myself room for that right now. It is becoming more and more real. It seems natural that I would really face the thoughts of sleepless nights and fussy babies and making many, many mistakes that embarrass me because that is my not-too-distant future. Round 2. We're at it again. Of course I'm scared.
And when I start feeling bad that I am not as excited for Sprout's arrival as I was for Little Pea's I remind myself of the first moments after birth. When they hand you the baby and you can't believe how much love you have for this new little, slimy creature. I kept saying, "oh my gosh! I love you! I really love you!" I honestly could not believe or understand the love. Where did it come from? I know I will be as weepy with love for this new one as I was for Andrew.
And I now know how to correctly install a car seat and strap in a newborn.