The year before last Andrew picked out and wrapped a present for me that he was soooo excited to give me. He scribbled with marker on the top of the present and told me it said "Happy Mommy's First Christmas Eve!" And this morning that lovely holiday greeting is buzzing around my head. One of the many little memories I squirrel away from this time of year. My collection is certainly growing.
This time last year I was recovering from surgery. I had learned that my son had pretty significant delays and would need a considerable amount of support in school. I was struggling. It was one of my hardest times. And this Christmas I keep thinking about that. I feel a little braced for disaster, though there is no sign of disaster on the horizon.
This year has its own challenges. Andrew's school situation is still a little up in the air. Isaac has begun his evaluations and it's become more and more clear that he too will need lots of support. But these things don't seem as hard as they did a year ago. My perspective on Special Needs is vastly different. I've settled in a little. During Isaac's evaluations, the assessment team and I would sit around Isaac, watching him play, absolutely delighting in him. We could all clearly see that his language and social skills are not where they should be. But we could also clearly see that he is absolutely wonderful. It's not nearly as loaded this time around.
And so there is a way that Christmas has become bittersweet for me. It's become a time when I sit back and see where we are and see where we've been and feel a little light-headed. Christmas is not the sugar-sweet loveliness that it used to be. Instead of clinging to the cookies and candies and presents and general over-abundance (though I still enjoy those things quite a bit!), I'm clinging to the messages of hope and peace. Which, I must say, is no where near as flashy and fun.
But, it's not too bad either. I'd call it growth, even.
Have a lovely, lovely holiday. May it be a whimsical cocktail of sugar-sweet loveliness, hope and peace.
4 comments:
What a wonderful reflection and wonderful pictures. I'm so glad you are finding a sense of peace in the midst of evaluations and all the Christmas business. You are such a good mommy and you've weathered a lot in the past year. I too have been thinking about how different this year is from the last; more space from old traumas, feeling a deeper joy in my son. And every year I feel so glad to be reunited with Christmas music. It's just one of the things I love that stays the same Christmas to Christmas.
Ah, this totally makes sense then! I know the feeling of bracing yourself from the fear of past trauma and how it changes your perspective and experiences forever. And I think you've come to a great place, friend. After all, there was nothing flashy and overabundant about the scandalous, humble birth of Jesus.
Happy Mommy's First Christmas Eve, dear Robyn! May you continue to seek and find peace and hope today and every day! xoxo
I love your pages. Thanks for sharing.
Sending you love and wonderful wishes for Christmas ... I'm thinking of you every time DS sits on his sensory cushion! x
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