Friday, February 11, 2011

thank you

So, here we are, at the end of what turned out to be a pretty cathartic week for me. Thank you for seeing me through this. I definitely feel more peace about where I am right now, when I'm able to share it and bounce it off other people. For weeks I've been feeling a built up sense of angst. I wasn't sure where it was coming from and I didn't know what to do about it. But that sense of angst is gone. Now I just sort of feel through my days.

The boys are doing really well lately. Andrew is one happy fellow right now and is getting great reports from his art teacher and therapists. For the first time I am embracing that taking him out of school was definitely the right thing to do. It felt like a huge risk at the time and now it feels just right.

And Isaac spent lots of time yesterday proving me wrong about his language. All kinds of things popped out of his mouth that surprised me. And so perhaps we're at the start of another wave.

More than anything, this journey has been a lot about me. Everyone else seems to have just rolled right along as events unfolded while I struggled and wrestled through it, coming to terms and trying to accept each nuance of this path. It's cracked me open and made me sort through old notions and expectations of what a meaningful, successful life looks like. It's made me see parts of myself that I didn't know were there: both parts that I am proud of, and parts that I am ashamed of. And I don't think I'd want to take that back if I could.

And so, my friends. Expect more to come. I am looking down the road at what will be a long, complex journey. And I'll probably end up sharing a lot of that here. But for now, let's take a down a few notches.

Let's talk about muffins.

I made these Whole Wheat Orange Muffins yesterday and they are fantastic.

Here's the recipe!

Whole Wheat Orange Muffins
1/2 cup softened butter
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
3/4 cup milk
1 cup oat bran
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 t baking soda
1/4 t salt
2 1/4 t baking powder
a couple of shakes of cinnamon
zest of one orange
3/4 cups chopped walnuts

Preheat oven to 350.
Cream butter and sugars. Add eggs. Mix. Add remaining ingredients. Mix some more!
Scoop batter into muffin tin.
Bake for 25 minutes.

And thank you.


firefly said...

From where I stand, matters of the heart trump tales of muffin-making any day. :)

I loved your explorations this week. I think that mamas who are able to own up to the various disappointments and failed expectations of child-rearing do their kids a service. I don't believe there is a parent alive that hasn't felt some variation of what you are describing, in whatever context it arises. But not every parent has the gumption and the fortitude to look it in the eye, let alone speak about it. Those kinds of sorrows have a way of burrowing underground and maintaining a life of their own that children will sense and be impacted by whether or not they are explicitly acknowledged. Think how much better it will be for Andrew to know you've had this experience because it comes to him through through thought-out words shaped by loving care--as opposed to if he just subtly sensed that something about his story had been hard for his mother, but without knowing why or what it meant to her. For Andrew to be able to read and understand this part of your journey some day is a gift to him, because it allows him to see the whole picture, held by your overarching devotion to his well-being and by the explicit acknowledgment of the goodness and growth it meant for your own life.

So, I say: Bravo!

firefly said...

And Isaac, too, of course. :)

firefly said...

I left Isaac off initially because something about him always makes me imagine him saying, "Ohh, mom, why in the world were you so worried about that? ;)

Dannyelle said...

Hi Jen,
I know we don't know each other, but following your journey makes me feel as though we do. I am inspired by your projects, and cooking, and decorating, but I also love hearing about your struggles. Sometimes I feel a little jealous, since I always feel a little like I have to keep my blog kind of magazine like. I love your honesty. Keep it coming ;)

Dannyelle at www.lifeisaparty

erin said...

Thanks for sharing so much about the boys this week. I care so much about you guys and I love your boys. I love hearing about their fascinating gifts and personalities. And I think you're the perfect Mom for them!